i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
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Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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