I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
God, I missed his penis.
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