i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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