just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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