I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
