I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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