Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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