Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
