Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
