4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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