I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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