just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
