if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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