Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
