This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
