Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He? As in you personified your dick?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
