I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I want a musical about memes.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
