Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
