I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
