Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I wish they made helmets for livers.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
