I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize