Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
