She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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