You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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