For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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