I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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