would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
