Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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