Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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