He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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