Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
