Someone shit on the floor
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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