you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
