somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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