A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
