so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
