Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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