remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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