She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
