Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm determined to sit on that face.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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