im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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