Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
