I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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