My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
