i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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