somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
