end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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