It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
