i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
