I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
