girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
