After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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