Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
