Girls should come with a carfax report
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
As shirtless as possible
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
