Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
