am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
