Need sex. Gaining weight.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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