If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
