I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
