you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
