I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
