Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
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I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
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"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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