My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
