sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
