Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
